Epiphany
by ijustkeepswimming
Summary: What could have happened after Jake shot Charlie. Told from Charlie's point of view.
1. Chapter 1

_This is a new story, giving Charlie's final storyline a different ending. What might have happened if she had survived the shooting? How might it have changed her life? I really hope you enjoy it and look forward to reviews if people have the time and inclination. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Epiphany**

**Chapter One**

It's funny, what you think about when you're about to die. I've had a few near misses over the years but nothing like what I experienced recently.

I remember in 2008, when I was heartbroken over the end of my ill-advised relationship with Roman Harris, there was a storm and my little housemate, VJ Patterson and my daughter, Ruby's friend, Annie Campbell were trapped in a storm drain.

It was a race against time and I didn't have all that much care for my own welfare so I climbed right on in and tried to save them. VJ was free before I even got there but Annie was seriously trapped. I managed to get her to safety and then the pipe was overwhelmed and I was shot out to sea, unconscious.

Ironically, it was Roman that saved me. When I came round on the beach, my first thought was sheer mortification that my ex-boyfriend had saved my life. It really pissed me off, actually. And I was in a bad way about the whole thing for a long time. I even slept with Angelo Rosetta that night for the first time. He was my friend from work and had had a thing for me from the first moment we met. I guess that night was the start of the most on-again-off-again relationship that's ever existed!

I didn't have time to assess my life then. One minute, I was trying to climb to safety and the next, I was unconscious. There was no significant moment of clarity. If I'm being really honest, I was disappointed when I came round and learned that I was going to be okay.

Another near miss was at the end of that year. There had been a big fire at the school formal, thanks to a very mentally unstable student called Melody. I forget her surname but it started when she became a rape victim. Her life spiralled out of control after that. I know that one too well.

Anyway, I risked life and limb to rescue badly injured people from the fire and I came pretty close to losing my life for the sake of saving others. And while we were all tending to that particular crisis, what nobody but Angelo knew was that a fellow colleague, Jack Holden was lying dead on a local development site. Angelo had shot him by mistake but he didn't own up to it until he had no choice. Thinking back now, I wonder if Jack knew what had happened. I wonder if he died instantly or if there was time between the shooting and his last breath. Even if it was only a couple of seconds, I wonder what he thought and felt.

I was in a car accident in 2010. I'd started dating Angelo after he'd been redeemed and released from prison. It was the day of my friend, Aden Jeffries' wedding to Angelo's ex-girlfriend, Belle Taylor. After the wedding, Angelo tried to take me out on a boat trip but I completely freaked out, stepped back into the road and got knocked down by a car.

The reason I freaked was because the last time I'd been on a boat, had been the moment that I'd fallen in love for the very first time. And it wasn't with Angelo. It wasn't even with Roman. No, the person I fell in love with was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Her name was Joey Collins and I looked after her when she was raped by a viscous colleague. I took her under my wing and we became the best of friends. She moved into the house with me, Leah, Ruby and VJ and we fell in love.

To say it scared me would be the understatement of the Century! I messed her around so much, kissing her and then running away. Then we decided to make a go of things but when everyone found out and her brother, Brett, tried to humiliate me by trashing my car and making a complaint of abuse, I lost the plot. I slept with the first available guy that I saw, cheating on my darling Joey and breaking her heart.

She left town the moment she found out. She was meant to return after three months to see if we could give it a shot. But she never came home and I was lonely so I ended up with Angelo. Even though I never fell out of love with Joey, I don't think I worked hard enough to prove myself to her. I gave up too easily and it's cost me so much.

Joey was obsessed with boats, so when Angelo wanted to take me sailing as a romantic gesture, I had to refuse. That's how the accident happened. I was unnerved anyway because he'd parked the car almost directly outside Joey's house and it turned out that Brett was the person who ran me over.

That was how Angelo discovered that I'd previously been in a relationship with a woman and he dumped me (temporarily) for not being honest with him. It was also eventually the way Ruby discovered that I was her mother and not the sister I had always claimed to be. She was borne of my most traumatic experience in life. I was raped. And after that, everything changed.

But before I passed out on the road, after Brett ran me over, I had those few moments of clarity, wondering if I was going to die. My hip was knocked out of place and my head hurt like a bitch. I was vaguely aware of Angelo desperately calling my name. But all I could think about was Joey. At the time, I wondered if it was because she'd been my subject of thought when I was hit but now I know differently. But I still have a couple more incidents to go before I get to my latest one, the one of crystal clear clarity.

At the end of last year, I was abducted by a criminal named Hugo Austen. He was the same man that I made my terrible mistake with, behind Joey's back. I caught him out in his human trafficking operation and he responded by taking me out to sea and trying to throw me overboard. Then he left me at the mercy of his evil associate, Suzy Sudiro.

I was abducted again this year. This time is was due to my involvement with a man named Daryl Braxton (Brax, for short). He was the leader of a notorious, criminal, surfing gang called the River Boys. He's been involved in petty and not so petty crimes all his life but somewhere along the way, we fell in love with each other.

If there were ever two people who shouldn't be together, it was Brax and I. The love was real but we were from such different sides of the track. I was a cop and he was a criminal. And yet somehow, it worked enough that for a while there, I was genuinely planning on spending the rest of my life with him.

The plan was that Brax and I, along with Ruby and her boyfriend, Brax's brother, Casey, would all move to the city together and start again as one, big, happy family. But it wasn't to be. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.

But anyway, earlier in the year, I was abducted by a member of a rival gang. They'd figured out that Brax and I were dating in secret and they wanted to lure him out for helping to put their leader in jail. The guy who abducted me was called Hammer and he planned on killing us both. Between us, Brax and I overpowered him and I ended up shooting him dead. Like Jack, I wonder if he had any last thoughts and what they were. Did he come face to face with his conscience before he died?

Another member of that gang shot me recently. I was out running, trying to clear my head after one of the worst storms Summer Bay has ever seen – and we've had a fair few of them! With my music on, I was oblivious to the world around me until I felt a sharp pain in my arm and Brax had tackled me to the ground. I narrowly escaped and I didn't give myself that much time to recover from the shock.

I then got into a car accident. I tried to escape my life for a little while with my best friend, Bianca Scott. Well, she _was _my best friend. I don't think I can claim that now, not after what happened that day. I was trying not to be with Brax and she was trying not to be with his brother, Heath.

I'd compromised myself terribly by giving Brax the chance to steal some evidence from my patrol car. He was being set up for a crime he didn't commit – one of the only ones he _didn't _– and I believed so much in him that I was willing to break the law and go against my ethics for him.

But I felt so sick about it afterwards that I couldn't even look at him. That's why Bianca and I headed out of the Bay to try and escape it all. But the boys followed us and Brax and I ended up reuniting.

On the way home, we got into an accident and I got pretty hurt. But not as bad as the person we hit. Liam Murphy is a former rock star who settled in Summer Bay a while ago. Until recently, he had been in a long term relationship with Bianca.

I think that's when things became irreversible really. Liam had driven his motorbike into us and he was unconscious for days. Every time I've seen him since, he's looked so battered and bruised. But the thing was that Brax and I weren't supposed to be seen together. Heath and Bianca lied and told the police that they were the ones in the car. Liam knows the truth now but the cops still don't. It was one of the worst lies I've ever told and I've said a fair few of them.

Bianca was so messed up about everything that she stopped talking to me. I don't think we're friends anymore. I was so caught up in my own guilt that I resigned from the police and it took Brax officially walking out on the River Boys for me to be with him properly.

And that took us to a few days ago. I was all packed up and ready to move to the city with Brax, Ruby and Casey. It was my final day on shift as Sergeant of Yabbie Creek Police Station and I was really quite emotional about it. I was keen for this new start but I was scared as well. I was giving up so much for love. I was so misguided.

I'd just put my badge on and was ready to set off when I heard a noise in the main living area. I stepped into the lounge and came face to face with Jake, Hammer's brother, who had apparently been released from jail. He shot me twice and I collapsed onto the floor, bleeding… dying.

I was only conscious for a few moments before my injuries overwhelmed me and I started to bleed out. I knew I was dying. And I knew it was worse than any other occasion that I'd got myself into trouble.

I thought about Ruby and I was overwhelmed with the pain of never seeing her again. Since she found out I was her biological mother, things have never been quite the same between us. I felt like we'd finally got to a really good place and I was so sad that it could be over.

And my last thought, before I couldn't think anymore? It wasn't Brax. It should have been him. He was the one I was committed to and was starting a new life with. But I all but forgot he existed. The only thing I could think about was Joey and how deeply I regretted betraying her the way I did. How I deeply regretted not fighting for her the way I should have. How I deeply regretted not being able to hold onto her. How I let her down and lost her love.

My final thought was a prayer. I silently said, God, if You would just spare me, then I will stop living in regret. I'll make things right. And even if she hates me and I don't get anywhere, I will find Joey and I will tell her exactly how I feel. I'll stop compromising my own integrity, my values and my beliefs. I'll be the good person I was meant to be. And I'll spend the rest of my days, trying to right my wrongs.

And now, here I am, ready to change my life.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie tells Ruby of her change of heart…<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you everyone for such lovely feedback on this one. I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy chapter two. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Two**

I've been stuck in hospital for days and I'm so over it. I am more than ready to get out and back to my full health, not to mention to start putting my plan into action.

I was in a coma for two days before I woke up. My former Doctor, Sid Walker (he got fired the other day for assaulting his daughter's boyfriend), said that I was really lucky Ruby, Brax and Casey found me when they did. If I had been left any longer with no oxygen getting to my brain then I would have died. My heart would have continued to beat but I wouldn't have been able to breathe on my own or regain consciousness.

Aside from the fact that I would have been sad to die with so many things unfinished, my biggest relief over surviving is Ruby. She is my next of kin and technically and adult now. If I had been reliant on life support then it would have been down to her to decide whether to switch the machine off or not. I would hate to have been the cause of that pain for her.

When I told her how I really felt about things, I was convinced she was going to reject me. Despite the fact that I was having to leave my job in order to date a former River Boy with a clear conscience, things had settled pretty perfectly before I was attacked. Brax and I were in love and my daughter and his brother were also in love. The four of us were moving to the city to start again and live as one, big happy family.

So when I confessed to her that I needed to ruin that plan, I was terrified that she would hate me. She admitted that in a different circumstance, she would have objected. Things are currently more than a little awkward now that I have ended my relationship with Brax and I am sure that's having an effect on poor Ruby and Casey.

But she explained, when I told her how I felt, that she knew too well what it was like to think she had lost me. So now, no matter what I do and what decisions I make, she will always stick by me and keep me close. She said that over the last couple of years, we spent too much time fighting and misunderstanding each other. She said she doesn't want to waste that time again.

It was the night that I woke up from my coma that I broke the news to her. When I came round, she was with me, holding my hand. She was the most beautiful sight I could ever have woken up to. Brax had wound up in a cell for taking out his feelings on a random bystander.

He'd left the hospital the first day when he'd learned that Jake was responsible for my condition. He'd tracked him down and beaten the shit out of him before the police showed up and took them both into custody. They let him go, mostly just grateful that he had led them to my attacker. Jake had confessed to everything unapologetically and I gather he was most regretful that he hadn't managed to finish me off.

But yesterday, when Brax had come to the hospital to visit me, some guy accidentally backed his car into him. Brax lost his temper and punched him. The police were called and he's been charged with assault. In some ways, it makes this whole thing easier. I don't want to be with a man who is capable of so much violence. And I know this is the least of what he is capable of.

I truly believe that if we had managed to get out of the Bay and started again, Brax really would have changed. I believe we would have made it work. He's done a lot of bad things but he was so intent on changing his life and going back on his crimes. He'd even left the River Boys for me and was grudgingly happy with leaving his nightmare brother, Heath behind. But I guess all of that wasn't enough. And who's to say that all of this wasn't meant to be? If we were meant to live a happy life together, we would have. I don't believe you can fight fate.

I had Ruby all to myself the first night that I woke up, once the Doctors and Nurses had finished poking me and putting me through all sorts of tests and stuff. They still haven't stopped telling me how much of a miracle my recovery is. They said that really, I should have died and they're amazed that I've survived with nothing more than breathing difficulties.

The bullets hit my lung, which was what was so dangerous about it and I will probably have to use an inhaler regularly for the rest of my life. They stuck a tube up my nose as soon as they could to get oxygen back into my system. It's very uncomfortable.

But anyway, I sat with Ruby and I told her about my reaction to being shot. I told her that the two people I'd thought about when I thought I was going to die, were her and Joey. And I told her that I'd promised myself or God or the world or… someone, that if I pulled through, I would rectify my mistakes.

She was surprised, of course. I've given up so much to be with Brax and surely you wouldn't do that if you didn't love someone? And I did love him. I do. And I probably always will. But Joey stole my heart a long time ago and I've been completely incapable of getting her out of my system.

Ruby told me that if I was to break up with Brax then she would be sad in a lot of ways but that she would support me. She said that on the one hand, I seemed so happy with him. Despite the circumstances, we're a really good match and it's very clear that he loves me. I tried so hard to be happy with Angelo but looking back, he treated me a like shit a lot of the time. But for all his faults, Brax loved me much better than Angelo ever did.

But nobody could ever love me like Joey did. My feelings for Brax are the closest I have ever come to loving someone like I loved Joey. But he'll never be quite the same or even quite enough. Brax is exciting because he's dangerous. He's passionate and he makes me laugh. He's good looking and I've developed quite a thing for tattoos since knowing him.

She was exciting but not in a dangerous way. Just looking at her would send a clandestine thrill through me. When I was trying to fight my feelings for her, all she had to do was touch my hand and I was reduced to a quivering wreck. I had similar experiences of passion with Brax but not quite the same.

She was passionate but in a more gentle, loving way. She always had me in stitches with her little jokes and good natured humour. And she was beautiful – inside and outside. I can still close my eyes and pictures her absolutely perfectly. Sometimes I think about her and wonder how she might have changed and what she might have been up to over the last few years. I certainly regularly wonder if she remembers me or misses me at all. I guess soon, I will find out.

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><p><em>Next time… Charlie breaks up with Brax…<em>


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Breaking up with Brax was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It's almost up there with giving Ruby up for adoption to my parents, letting Joey sail out of my life and dealing with the death of my mother and then my father.

The fact that he was up on yet another charge helped a little to convince me that I was doing the right thing. But at the same time, when I first saw him after the shooting, my resolve very nearly broke.

As soon as he walked through the door, he broke down in tears and hurried to my side, clutching my hand and telling me that he loved me. I've never seen him like that before and it startled me a little.

He told me how happy he was that I was okay and that he was desperately looking forward to me recovering enough to move away like we planned. He told me that Jake was in custody and that he was going down for attempted murder. He said that he couldn't wait to leave Summer Bay and really start our lives together.

I held his hand and thanked him for saving me. I explained how shaken up I was about everything and that it's really made me reassess my life. He agreed and kept talking about both of us being allowed to be exactly who we want to be once we have moved away. He said he was looking forward to a future where he wasn't a River Boy and I wasn't a cop.

The last part helped me go through with what I planned. You see, Brax and I come from such different places. To me as a cop and quite frankly, as a human being, a River Boy is a bad person. I believe in Brax's good side and his ability and desire to change but I couldn't have stayed with him if he had stayed with that vile, criminal gang – especially not as the leader.

But I feel justified in that. The River Boys are violent and intimidating, a menace to the society in which they live. They're always being dragged in for theft, being drunk and disorderly, not to mention assault. The boy that Sid assaulted the night before I was shot was called Stu. He's a River Boy with a difficult background and had been beating his girlfriend, Sasha (Sid's long lost daughter) up.

The thing is that Brax sees my being a police officer as the same thing. Cops are dirty, bad people intent on ruining people's lives as far as he is concerned. They're the enemy and it's against his code of ethics to love me as much as it's against mine to love him. I left my request for him to leave the River Boys to the last possible moment. He wasted no time in helping me get into a position where I had to resign from the force. And he has no understanding of just how much I've given up for him and how much it breaks my heart.

The day I got shot was meant to be my last shift at work. I was so emotional about it but I couldn't really let that show to anyone else. I was so busy trying to hold it all together and act like I was happy with my decision. But I was heartbroken.

And this is one of the many differences between Brax and Joey. He's hardly ever on the right side of the law and she has never been on the wrong side. I swear that girl doesn't have a bad bone in her body. And she would never ever have encouraged me to give up a job that I love, a job that I've wanted since I was a child, a job that defines me.

It was hard to be honest with Brax, especially when he was being so attentive and loving towards me. He was determined to look after me while I healed and pledged to visit me every day while I was in hospital. He was so intent on our future together.

"Brax, I'm really sorry," I ventured.

He was still holding onto my hand and I was worried that he'd break it if I told him it was over.

"It's not your fault you got shot!" he replied affectionately. "It was Jake's."

I couldn't help but think it was his as well. And mine. It was Jake who pulled the trigger but he did it because I lawfully shot his brother, Hammer, when he took Brax and I hostage. But none of it would ever have happened if I hadn't been dragged into Brax's world. It was my fault for agreeing to a relationship with him and it was his fault for leading us both down a dark path.

And it's not like shooting Hammer was the worst thing we did together. I allowed him to steal evidence from my patrol car when he was being set up for a crime by a rival gang. That's what prompted me to resign from my job in the first place.

And I will never forgive myself for the way we lied about Liam's accident – or the way we made Bianca and even Heath lie as well. Bianca had quickly become my best friend since she'd moved to Summer Bay in 2010. Next to Leah, of course. But she hates me now and I don't think there's anything I can do to make it right, although with my change of life, I'll do my best to make it happen.

Anyway, I told him that I was grateful to him for saving my life and for helping the police catch the man who tried to kill me. But then I dropped my bombshell.

"We can't be together anymore," I said.

My voice was so quiet that I wasn't even sure I'd said it. Especially when he didn't answer me. He just stared into my eyes as if I was an alien or something.

"What did you say?" he finally asked.

"We can't be together anymore," I repeated, adding that I was sorry.

He protested, bitching at me for messing him around and keeping chopping and changing my mind about him. He asked how many things we were going to have to face before I realised for good that we were meant to be together.

"But I don't think we are meant to be together, Brax," I told him.

"Of course we are!" he snapped.

He dropped my hand and leapt to his feet, pacing the length of the small room, looking increasingly distressed. I was worried about him. I still am.

"I thought a near death experience or whatever would have showed you what was really important, Charlie," he said.

"It has," I admitted.

He approached the bed, his eyes burning with sadness rather than anger.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I've done a lot of thinking since I ended up here," I explained. "And I can't see a future for us."

"Of course there's a future!" he yelled.

I winced at the sheer volume and desperation of his voice.

"We're moving to the city and starting again!" he said. "Me and you, Ruby and Casey. We're going to be a family."

"But it's not what I want anymore," I tried.

"Why not?" he snapped.

"Because I've sacrificed too much, Brax," I told him. "I've changed my whole life for you…"

"And I've changed mine for you!"

"You left a criminal gang," I pointed out. "I left a job where I was really making a difference to the community. I left a job that I'd committed my whole heart to. I compromised myself at every turn and I sacrificed all my ethics and integrity. I ignored all my values and made the wrong choices over and over again. I don't like the person I've become."

It's true. I don't. And considering I hated myself long before I ever met him, it was quite a big statement.

"I left my family for you," Brax said darkly.

"I know," I replied, softening my tone. "And I wish it could have worked but it never will. I'm sorry."

He stared at me for several long, agonising moments. Then he slammed out of the hospital and I haven't seen him since.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Bianca make friends while Charlie prepares to confess all her misdeeds to Inspector Joyce…<em>


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I feel like I'm losing my mind, trapped inside these four walls. I swear they're closing in on me. The room feels like it's shrinking every day. It's been weeks and the Doctor just broke the news that I'll be in here for Christmas and New Year.

Ruby visits every day and keeps me company. I'm not too steady on my feet yet so she got special permission to take me out onto the grounds for some fresh air in a wheelchair. I have to take my oxygen with me though, which sucks. I keep thinking that I can do without it but every time I take it off, I can't breathe. That becomes self-explanatory really, doesn't it?

I've asked her about Brax a few times and she admitted that he isn't coping. He's closed the restaurant and Casey said that he's holed himself inside and is drowning all his sorrows. I feel bad to have caused all that pain but I had to do what was right. He isn't the person I belong with and it would be a lie to try and force it now.

Leah has also visited a lot, as has Elijah, Watson and even VJ. Bianca stopped by yesterday and we're friends again. I'm so relieved and so grateful that she accepted my apologies. I think it helped that I have broken up with Brax and I hope she could see how adamant I am about changing and making things right.

She's also on cloud nine because she and Liam have got engaged. And in a big, happy surprise, she asked me to be her bridesmaid. I am so happy to have her back. It felt like this was the second step in rectifying all my mistakes, although some will be harder to face than others.

Tomorrow, Inspector Joyce is coming in to interview me. He's taking my statement about the shooting and I am preparing to lay myself bare concerning all of my mistakes. I'll be taking back my resignation, although I'm fairly sure that I'll be fired without dignity. And that's just the best case scenario. The chances are that I'll be charged with various crimes and could even face a prison sentence. But if that's the case, then I'll just have to get through it. If you do the crime, you must do the time, right?

I know now that I should have done things differently. I should never have made those mistakes in the first place but even if I had, I should have followed my instinct and faced up to them. Instead, I let Brax justify me and hide me from reality. I have to be stronger than that now.

Ruby was concerned when I confessed all to her. She was shocked at the lengths I had been willing go to go for Brax. And she's further shocked that, having gone to those lengths, I am walking away from our relationship now. But that's half the reason.

I sacrificed a lot of myself when I was with Angelo. I excused him every time he was unkind or shouted down my opinions. I was willing to use illegal money to save his business and get his brother, Paulie out of debt. He confessed to nearly cheating on me and I was so afraid of losing him, so afraid of being on my own and having another failure behind me that I went against every instinct and moved in with him. I knew I didn't want to and just the thought of it made me physically sick. But I was stubborn and I went ahead and looking back now, I feel like I lost a lot of dignity a long time ago.

Whether I clawed it back or not when we broke up, I don't know. But when I entered into a relationship with Brax, I lost my morals. Things that had defined me and were so, so important, vanished all because I was in love with a man I should never have been with.

I've explained all of this to Ruby and I think she understands. She told me today that she would do anything I wanted in order to support me. She said that she is more than happy to come with me over her summer break before University starts, to help me try and track Joey down. And I still plan to move to the city with her but this time we won't include the boys. Ruby said that Casey won't go without Brax and they will try to keep things going long distance.

She also said how much she adored Joey and that she was sad when we couldn't make it work. She said that the only other time she has seen me happier than I was with Brax, was with Joey. And she agrees that her love is something I should try to hold onto. And that is most definitely my hope.

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><p><em>Next time… Charlie confesses all to Inspector Joyce and gets Ruby to help her with the first step of trying to win Joey back…<em>


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed yesterday. I had a really bad day so they cheered me up immensely. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Five**

Inspector Joyce doesn't plan on pressing charges against me. He can't make the final decision but he told me that he'd fight for me to keep my job if I want it back – which I do.

He visited me here in hospital and listened patiently as I confessed to everything. I told him that I'd figured out that Brax had been set up for that robbery and I went against the law to try and save him. I explained that although I still believed in his innocence, I know I did the wrong thing. It was when I realised that I couldn't rescue him legally, I broke the rules and cut corners.

When Joyce gave me the job of transferring evidence with Watson, I came up with a plan. I texted Brax to let him know where the car would be when I 'spontaneously' suggested that Watson and got a cup of coffee to break up the day. When we returned, the car's back window had been broken into and the evidence, including an unrelated bag of cocaine, had been stolen.

I felt sick about dropping him in it but I also had to reveal that Brax had stashed the cocaine on the property of the drug dealer they arrested, the guy who originally owned the cocaine. Joyce has told me that there will ramifications for Brax and he could certainly be facing jail for theft. I feel terrible but none of these things should have happened. We both broke the law and we both have to face the consequences.

I also told Joyce that Heath and Bianca were not the ones that Liam crashed into that day on his motorbike. I explained that I felt so awful about the evidence that I resigned and then tried to take off for a few days with my best friend. The boys came to find us and I got back together with Brax.

We were the ones in the car when Liam ran into us. I was injured and Brax panicked so Heath took the blame and stayed at the scene with Bianca while Brax drove me to a motel room he rents long term to recuperate.

I expressed how terrible I felt about everything and I might have exaggerated how bad Brax felt about it. I mean, I know he had some guilt but his approach was fairly cavalier. He comes from the perspective of, 'we do what needs to be done' and it doesn't really matter if it's legal or moral or honest. I've tried to stand up for him as best I can but I don't know what will happen to either of us now.

Joyce said that he would be in touch about my fate. He was hopeful that my full co-operation would mean that no charges would be brought against me. And while I am likely to be demoted, he said that he thought so highly of me as an officer and, prior to Brax, my record has been so exemplary that he can't see me being removed from the force completely.

I feel strangely peaceful about it all. You'd think I'd be terrified but after everything that's happened, losing my job or being demoted or something, really feels like the least of my worries. I have to accept whatever comes at me. And I have to deal with everything, step by step in order to become the person I'm meant to be, hopefully a person that I like.

I'm sure I'll have made even more of an enemy of the River Boys, especially the Braxtons, than I already was and of course, this time I won't have Brax on my side. But I will have to deal with the fallout of everything as it happens. Quite frankly, so long as I have my daughter, my best friends, the truth and a beating heart, I'm happy. And from there, I am determined to make everything right again.

Ruby came by tonight, armed with all the things I asked her for.

"What on earth is all this for?" she asked when she dumped them all (carefully) on my bed.

I'd written out a list of DVDs and books that I wanted.

"I'm bored," I replied easily.

"And training to be a lesbian?" she asked, nodding towards my display.

I snorted with laughter.

The books I'd requested were by all of Joey's favourite 'gay' authors – specifically, Jeanette Winterson and Sarah Waters. I also knew she was a bit fan of Virginia Woolf so I'd asked Ruby to get me some of those too.

The DVDs followed the same theme. I'd ordered _Better Than Chocolate, If These Walls Could Talk 2, There's Something About Jane _and _But I'm a Cheerleader_. They were all names of films that Joey, when fantasising about our future, planned to share with me.

Part of my big plan is to turn myself into the kind of woman that Joey would want to be with. I want to show her that I can be the person she believed in. I want to have the time and the opportunity to prove my love for her and give her a reason to take me back. Let's just hope I can find her now…

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Brax confronts Charlie…<em>


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

I'm on mandatory rest, which is most frustrating. I remember a conversation I had with Aden some while ago now. We were talking about how we're both doers and it's the thinking side of life that always gets us into trouble. It's so true. I hate having to just lie here and reassess my screwed up life, over and over again.

It was thinking that got me into so much trouble with Joey in the first place. If I'd have just ploughed ahead and given in to everything I felt, if I had just enjoyed being with her and stopped analysing what people would think and how my life might change, I might have saved myself a lot of heartbreak.

But I do know that I need this time. I need to think in order to build myself back up and go after what I really want. It's important.

My rests are usually spent snuggling down with the extra blanket Ruby brought in for me and watching some of the DVDs on my laptop. I really like _But I'm a Cheerleader_. It was just so funny. And _If These Walls Could Talk 2 _has very quickly become one of my favourite movies. I wonder what the first one was about…

Anyway, I've been reading a lot and very much enjoying my visits from Ruby. We squabbled a little about Christmas. I can hardly believe that it's only a few days away. And I could kick myself for not thinking ahead and buying my gifts. I'm in no position to buy anything now. But anyway, she wants to come and visit on Christmas Day but I don't want to ruin it for her. Of course I would like to see her but she's been invited to dinner with Leah, VJ and their family and I don't want to spoil that. We left the discussion unresolved.

I had a fairly unpleasant confrontation with Brax yesterday. I still get a knot in my stomach every time I think about it. He scared me. While I always knew he was capable of such things, I've never seen that side of him up close and personal. It was frightening.

He'd been visited by the police and they had charged him with theft. I spoke to Watson afterwards and she said that we're both likely to just get a slap on the wrist but he was furious with me for dropping him in it. I tried to explain my side of things but he was too angry. He made me nervous when he started to pace the room in the same agitated fashion he had the other day. He yelled at me for telling the police the truth about what happened and for not warning him that that's what I was going to do.

He has a point there. I probably should have been more considerate. It's just that I knew he wouldn't have any hesitation in screwing me over if he could. The more time you give someone like Brax to work out an escape plan, the better the plan becomes. Nobody could accuse the guy of being stupid. He's the master of deception, really.

Anyway, once he'd finished screaming at me about everything, he accused me of having been messing him around all this time and not having had any inclination to start the life we'd planned.

"Of course I did!" I replied.

I know we don't belong together now but I was very, very serious about him before I got shot.

"Then how can you change your mind so damn quickly?" he demanded.

"It was quick but it was significant," I replied, my voice shaking a little. "In case you hadn't noticed, I nearly died. That's enough to make you reassess your life, don't you think?"

He leant closer and I don't think I have ever seen so much bitterness in someone's eyes before. Not even when Joey found out about Hugo and hissed at me not to touch her, did she look like that.

"You know what?" he snarled. "I wish you _had _died. Then at least I could have mourned the memory of the person I thought you were. Right now, all I can do is hate you."

It stung. I won't lie and pretend it didn't. It almost physically hurt to be hated like that. But this is yet another of the roads I have to go down to end up in the right place. He was never going to take it well, was he?

The second worst bit came when he caught sight of the DVDs and books on my bedside table. He snatched them up and demanded to know why I was suddenly 'interested in queers'. I didn't really know what to say so I just stayed quiet.

"What?" he said. "Your heart stopped and you came back as a lesbian or something?"

"I'm bisexual," I told him calmly.

"Ah, well that's okay then!" he snapped sarcastically.

I jumped when he threw the whole stack across the room. Some of the discs have shattered so I will have to pay for them. You can't exactly send broken discs back to the rental store, can you?

His rant was cut short when security came in and dragged him out of the room, threatening to call the police. He snapped that I'd really like to see him arrested again and that he should have known better to have ever fallen in love with a 'dirty cop'.

I feel so sad about it all and I hate to see him in pain. But at the same him, his violent outbursts are only proving that he is not the person I should be spending my life with.

What would have happened any time I did something to displease him? I spent a year being undervalued by Angelo. I don't want to go through that again. I want to be with someone I can relax with, someone I can have fun with, have a genuine connection with… I want to be with Joey.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie gets a release date and finds out her fate at work…<em>


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Surprisingly, Christmas wasn't all that bad. I lost the argument about Ruby not visiting me and, rather than being alone all day, she, Leah, VJ and Elijah all came to the hospital with food and presents. It was so much fun. I could barely breathe by the end of it because I spent so much time laughing but that's really just a case of getting used to the longer term damage to my lungs.

A specialist is meant to be coming round before they release me so that I can learn to work with the breathing difficulties and stuff that I'm likely to be stuck with for the next forever. On the one hand, it's kind of depressing to think about it and if I'm allowed to stay on the force, I don't know how it will affect my lungs. I can't hardly chase after a criminal and ask them for a timeout so I can catch my breath! But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I can't really feel low about any lasting damage when I know how easily I could have died. I'm lucky to be breathing at all, never mind complaining about doing it badly. The shooting has taught me a lot of things, not least of which is that you have to live for the moment. You have to live your life as if it's you're last day and you have to make it count. There's no point wasting time with mistakes and sadness. You just have to enjoy everything that you can. I'm going to do my best to do that from now on.

It's New Year's Eve and tomorrow, I get to go home. I have to have an oxygen tank and take several inhalers around when I am out and about. It feels kind of nice to start afresh on 1st January 2012. I have so many things that I want to do; so many things I want to achieve.

Ruby has pledged her support and she says she is going to stand by me, no matter what. She and Casey are struggling though, which I feel bad about. She told me that it's not my fault and I'm relieved to know she doesn't blame me. I think once upon a time, she might have attacked me for it but it seems like we have both learnt a lot from the last few weeks.

According to Casey, Brax is drinking all the time and out on bail for the theft. Inspector Joyce came in a few days ago and told me that I will be formally reprimanded for what happened and it won't be easy but the only long lasting damage to my career will be a step back down to Senior Constable. I'm also to be supervised for my first six months back at work and I'm not to have anything to do with any case involving the River Boys.

To be honest, I think I've got off pretty lightly! I'm very grateful. Watson also visited and reassured me that she didn't think Brax would do time for any of the bad things we did together, although the guy he attacked is adamantly pressing charges. She thinks that he'll get away with everything else with just a fine, which is a relief. I still care about him, even if I am a bit scared of him now. And I know I'd feel terrible if I got away with it all and he didn't. Our punishments should be evenly matched, I think.

I'm looking forward to escaping this place and starting again. This time, I swear I am going to get it right. I'm going to change my life and make it count. I'm going to do whatever it takes to find Joey and tell her exactly how I feel about her. I can't make her fall in love with me but I'm going to work hard to see if it's possible.

The chances are, she'll never forgive me for what I did but I hope that if I can find a way to prove that I have changed and that I can be whatever she needs me to be, then at least I'll know I've tried. I failed to keep her two and a half years ago and I'm not going to make that mistake again. This time, I really will fight for her. I just hope I can win.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie goes home, plans an engagement party for Liam and Bianca and finds out where Joey is…<em>


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

I've been home for a few days now and I'm very glad to be back on my feet – even if I still need my oxygen. The Doctor said that soon, I'll be able to move onto just having inhalers and stuff and I'm trying not to get too hung up on that. I guess when you've got nothing wrong with you, you take it for granted. But I maintain that right now, I'm just happy to be alive. So I'm not going to get too fixated on the changes I have to make to my life – not the involuntary ones anyway.

What I am focussing on are the things I am choosing to change about my life. I've read most of my books and ventured to town with Ruby to get some more. She even watched _But I'm a Cheerleader _with me when I was in hospital and she laughed her head off. It is a pretty awesome film!

But anyway, I've been a busy girl with all my plans. With Liam and Bianca announcing their engagement, I managed to get over to see April and Irene today and they're helping me plan a surprise engagement party for them. Before I was shot, the idea had been that we'd hold it at the restaurant but now that Brax hates me, I think that would be inappropriate so we're holding it at the Diner instead. Roo, Marilyn and Leah are going to help out with the catering and decoration and I've put everything on my credit card.

I'd already had everything planned but not finalised, even though Bianca hated me and I wouldn't be in the Bay to see her celebrate. I'm more than a little thrilled that now we're friends again, I can celebrate with her and Liam. They've been on such a hard road together. They deserve this joy and I'm honoured to be Bianca's friend again. And I am utterly determined not to mess it up this time.

I also spent a lot of time on the phone, trying to track Joey down. I spoke to the company that she left for her long haul with but the said she left after nine months with them. I was so tempted to use my position as a police officer to try and force them to tell me where she went but I'm not prepared to do anything unethical again. If I'm going to find her and prove to her that I've changed and that I can be the good person she always believed I was, then I have to make sure I don't cut corners.

So, I appealed to the woman on the phone and explained that Joey and I had been in love but I'd messed it up and now, I was desperate to do anything I could to try and find her and win her back. It was a risk for two reasons. Firstly, you never know who could be homophobic in this world and assisting a lesbian relationship might have been the last thing the woman wanted to do. And secondly, it was the first time I'd willingly admitted to a stranger that I'm anything different that heterosexual.

The strange this was that it was pretty easy. The words came out and I didn't cringe or blush or panic. And I guess my earnestness must have showed and she certainly wasn't a bigot because she said she would try to find out where Joey had gone next and get back to me.

A couple of hours later, she directed me to a cruise ship company that they had been asked to give a reference for. I looked on their website and they do a lot of big trips. Working for them must be or have been very exciting for her. I've never seen Joey so alive as when she was out on the water and I think about our boat trip on the Blaxland with so much fondness.

I think that was the first time that I realised I was in love with her. I remember the way my heart pounded when we stood so close together and how my skin tingled when I held her hands. I wish so much that I could go back to that day and make things right. How might things have turned out if I'd had the courage to kiss her like I wanted to? How might things be different?

But anyway, I called the company and once again explained my plight. They were reluctant to help me and rightly so. It's against confidentiality legislation to just give information out. I offered up all my credentials as a police officer, although I ensured they knew it wasn't a police matter. And I pretty much vowed to do anything they needed me to in order to find out where she was.

They caved, fortunately. Joey Collins is working for them still and is part of the crew on a huge cruise ship that is taking thousands of people around the world. She left on this particular tour two months ago and she'll be arriving back in Sydney on 14th February this year. So that gives me five weeks to sort myself out, get to the harbour and be there when she docks. It gives me five weeks to become worthy of her.

I know it's a huge risk and the chances are, she won't want to know me. I'd be surprised if she wasn't already dating someone. I mean, a girl as amazing as Joey isn't likely to be single for that long, is she? But I know I have to try. If she's even willing just to hear me out, even if she decides it's over, at least I'll know I've done my best. I have to give myself this chance. I've spent too long hating myself and making mistake after mistake. It's just a shame that it's taken near death to make me really want to live life. But still, it's better late than never.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie returns to work, Ruby makes a decision and everyone prepares for Liam and Bianca's party…<em>


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

I'm now three weeks away from hopefully seeing Joey again and I am so nervous. It's been a busy month and I am just about back on my feet, although I am still having some breathing difficulties.

On my first day back at work, I ended up back in hospital. I know I was supposed to take it easy but it didn't work. I got a bit overenthusiastic with a case and convinced Watson to let me come with her to investigate a robbery. But I was so into surveying the scene that I went too long without my inhaler and had some sort of attack.

I was pretty embarrassed to be back in the hospital and they made me stay overnight. Fortunately, Sid has his job back at the hospital now so he was the one that treated me. I trust him and he didn't judge me for doing too much. Poor Watson was really worried. But I'm okay now and I'm being much more sensible about things.

I've been busying myself with all sorts of things in the last few weeks. I'm working _almost _full time but they said that I shouldn't rush these things. I thought it would be weird and difficult to go back as only a Senior Constable and work under a new Sergeant but it's not. To be honest, I'm just grateful to be back there at all.

And in my non-work time, I've been spending as much time with Ruby as possible. She's been taking my care ever so seriously and I feel like we've completely healed our relationship. She's actually decided to defer University for a year. I objected, of course, especially when I knew she was doing it for me. I don't want her to throw her life away because her Mum can't breathe properly.

But actually, her reasoning was sound. She said that her number one reason was me. She and I had planned to move to the city together and start afresh and even though the boys won't be coming now, the one person she can't leave is me. I was very touched by that, I must admit. She insists that she has no plans to skip Uni altogether and she will go next year instead. That way, we can really plan it and move properly together.

She is also now looking for a job to earn some extra cash for when she studies and she's taking on an evening course to 'keep her brain from turning to mush'. I'm still worried about her putting her life on hold because of me but I am touched that she is willing to do such a thing. She thinks a gap year is a good idea for both of us. That way, she can save some cash, help me adjust and also help me find Joey. It's become as much as priority to her as it is to me. You can't get more supportive than that, can you?

I've continued watching lots of films and reading lots of books. I've also got a date with Alf Stewart tomorrow afternoon. Yep, you read that right! Me and Alf! He's taking me fishing for the afternoon.

When Joey and I were together, her two biggest passions were fishing and sailing. I've been taking sailing lessons with Romeo and although I'm not planning to get a boat licence or anything serious like that, I think it's important to learn a little bit about what Joey loves. Obviously Romeo teaching me isn't as great as Joey teaching me but I want to be prepared.

And Alf's job is to teach me the joy of fishing. I'm not sure that's going to be very easy. It stinks and it's boring but it's important to Joey and Joey's important to me. I guess what I am trying to do is shape myself into the kind of person that she could love. If I do everything I can to make myself good enough for her and prove that I've changed then maybe, just maybe, she'll give me a second chance.

Tonight is Liam and Bianca's hen night and I am so excited about it. When I organised it, it was going to be at Angelo's and I was going to be living in the city with Ruby, Brax and Casey. Bianca hated me at that point but I wanted to do it for her anyway because regardless of how she felt about me, I loved her and I wanted her to be happy.

If it's not stretching positive thinking too much, I'm almost glad I got shot. It was painful and scary and I could have died. But I didn't. Instead, I was given this chance to turn my life around. So tonight, I am going to party with my best friend and celebrate her engagement to the man she loves. What could be better?

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie ends up in hospital after a confrontation with Brax…<em>


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing this. It was a bit of an experiment so I hope you'll continue to enjoy it. We'll see Joey in chapter twelve. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Ten**

My night didn't quite go to plan. Ruby and I got all dressed up for Liam and Bianca's party and it really was going so well. I like to think I looked nice and when Bianca gave her speech, she made a big deal out of thanking me. She raised a toast to me and everyone kept saying how happy they were that I was alive. It only occurred to me then that this was the first time I had really been out in public since I got shot. I mean, I've been out and about and to work but this is the first time nearly the whole town has gathered together. I missed the New Year party Alf normally holds at the Surf Club.

Anyway, it was all going well until Brax and some of his gang crashed the party. I guess he was allowed back in after he left them for me. Part of me is glad because it means he's not alone but mostly, I feel sick about it. I do genuinely think that he could be a good man if he tried and if he got rid of the bad influences – namely Heath and the boys. But it's not my problem now. Although, unfortunately it _was _my problem last night and that was pretty scary.

Brax was drunk and out of his mind. He was slurring and aggressive as he charged through the party to confront me.

"What the fuck have you done to me, Charlie?" he demanded.

I saw Watson, Ruby, Leah and Bianca out of the corner of my eye, looking set to deck him if he got any closer.

"I don't know," I said, trying to keep calm. "What have I done to you?"

"You ruined my whole damn life!" he bellowed.

I have to admit I was a bit scared. There's nothing like near death to make you aware of the fragility of life. Once upon a time, I was a girl who was convinced I could take on the world. No matter how many near misses I had, I somehow thought I was invulnerable. Now, I know I just have to live out my life as best I can and be a good person when I reach the end. That's what I'm striving for anyway.

"I gave up everything for you!" Brax shouted.

"You gave up everything for _me_?" I snapped back. "I left my job for you! I sacrificed my morals! I was going to give up my home, my life…"

"And I was doing the same for you!" he yelled back at me. "I left the boys!"

"Not for long," I remarked.

"What the hell was I supposed to do after you made me fall in love with you and then turf me out at the last minute?" he said. "The boys are all I have left! And because of you, I nearly didn't even have that."

"I'm sorry you're hurt," I said reasonably.

Then chaos ensued. He leapt forward with his fists raised. I leapt back and fell over. Then I couldn't breathe. And the last thing I saw before I passed out was Watson knocking him to the ground.

I woke up in hospital and they kept me in overnight, warning me not to exert myself so much if I wanted to avoid hospitalisation time and again. Like it was my fault! I didn't mean to exert myself. I was just trying to have a nice time and celebrate my best friend's engagement. It's not like I deliberately invited my ex-boyfriend to attack me.

It was a frightening experience and I can't help but wonder if he was really going to hurt me. If he was then I really was wrong about him all this time. And I'm therefore relieved that I woke up and finally saw what was right in front of me. Sort of. I mean, I didn't exactly break up with him because of him. It was more because I know that Joey is my one true love. But more and more, I'm experiencing his worst traits and I am glad to be as far away from them as possible.

I've had to postpone my fishing trip with Alf but he said to call him when I was back on my feet again and he would make time for me. Ruby stayed here all night last night, which I felt bad about. She seems to be focussing a lot on taking care of me and much less on taking care of herself. Just for her diabetes alone, she has to be careful. Sleeping in a chair and missing breakfast really isn't the way to go.

Sid said that I could go home this afternoon. Watson stopped by to ask if I wanted to press charges against Brax for what happened. I haven't decided yet. Part of me wants to ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away. Part of me is angry about the way he behaved. Either way, I can't handle him being near me anymore.

Once upon a time, I had a strong need not to be in the same room as him because I was wildly attracted to him. It was almost an animal kind of passion and he very quickly consumed me and became my world. I had to stay away from him because of the connection between us, two people on opposing sides of the tracks.

Now, I need to stay away because he scares me. Because I don't think any of us have yet truly seen what he is capable of. Because I have to keep myself safe and intact if I am ever going to get to Joey.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Ruby and Casey break up, Charlie enjoys fishing with Alf and prepares to see Joey again…<em>


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

It's the night before I'm due to come face to face with Joey and I'm so nervous. Ruby and I are in the city and spending the night in a hotel so that I can be completely ready to meet Joey off the boat at lunch time. We've had a lovely dinner together and I am so happy that she's so supportive over all of this, even though my new mind set has cost her so much.

Not only has my darling Ruby put University on hold for me, but she and Casey have now broken up. It happened a few days ago and I feel so sorry for her. She's handling it much better than I expected her to. Honestly, I really thought Casey was 'the one' for her. She had such a connection with him, even more so than with Xavier and Geoff. They both seemed to be in for the long haul too.

Unfortunately, my breakup with Brax appears to have torn them apart. Ruby's handling it well but she said that she just got sick and tired of hearing Brax criticise me through his brother. At first, they agreed not to mention either of us and just be happy together but I guess it didn't work. Comments have been made, although I haven't dared ask what. My feelings are easily wounded these days and I don't need to invite more hurt.

While Casey thinks I'm evil for breaking his brother's heart and turning him into a depressed drunk, Ruby thinks Brax is evil for everything that's happened. She believes that everything went wrong when he and I got together and that I sacrificed too much of myself for him.

It's how I feel too but I can't quite blame him the way she does. She's right in that I never would have got shot if I hadn't been caught up in his mess and I can't exactly disagree. And it's a very popular opinion that his behaviour since the end of our relationship has been appalling. I know he's hurting and I feel so sorry for that but goodness, even Angelo handled our final breakup better than Brax has. And he wasn't exactly the most stable man in the work. I mean, he turned into a stalker at one point. But he never scared me in the same way Brax has, especially at Liam and Bianca's party.

Anyway, this is a night to be focussing on Joey, not Brax. It's for focussing on the future, not the past. I can't believe I've almost reached the day when I will actually see Joey's beautiful face again.

I have a whole speech prepared and I've been driving poor Ruby nuts with rehearsing it. I don't even know if I'll get through it. She might take one look at me and run in the other direction or worse. But I just have to hold onto the hope that she'll at least give me the chance to talk to her. If I can only explain how I feel about her, how much I have changed and how committed I can be to her now, then maybe, just maybe she'll reciprocate. It's a tall order and I'm doubtful it will go the way I've been dreaming but I do know I have to try. That's the least I owe her. And myself.

I managed to rearrange my date with Alf, which was good and I actually found that I like fishing! Who would have thought it? Definitely not Joey, so, should I get a chance to spend proper time with her tomorrow, I hope she will be pleased.

I ended up talking quite a lot to Alf during our fishing trip and I really enjoyed his company. He was curious about why I had a sudden interest so I told him all about my hopes and dreams for Joey. He genuinely wished me luck and told me that if I loved her that much then I had to try and get her back. He said that rather than being too short, life is too long to be sad and lonely. If you have someone to be with, someone you want to share your life with, then you should do whatever it takes to make it happen. And I will.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie finally comes face to face with Joey again…<em>


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

My reunion with Joey did not go as planned. I ended up in hospital again and I'm stuck here overnight. It's so irritating because of all the things I imagined this night to be, this wasn't it. Plus, because I'm in the city, I don't even know this place and I don't know any of the staff. They had to phone through to Sid to get my notes in order to treat me properly. They've hooked me up to so many machines and stuck the usual tube up my nose. It's very attractive!

I guess I should go back to the beginning of the day really. It all started well enough. Ruby and I got up and went for breakfast. I rehearsed my speech for about the millionth time. I swear Ruby knows it as well as I do by now! Then we went to buy the biggest bouquet of roses I could afford and stopped off to buy a box of chocolates I know she likes. Then we drove down to the dock, found out where her ship would come to shore and waited in the car.

When we saw the ship approaching, I braced myself to get out of the car and wait for her. It took a while. All the passengers got off in their hundreds, if not thousands and I was exhausted well before I saw any staff exiting the boat. I'd left my inhaler in the car. I guess I didn't think about how long I would be hanging around for.

Eventually, I saw her. She was in uniform – a black shirt and trousers – and her hair was all loose and pretty. She had a massive bag on her back and she was chatting and laughing with some colleagues. I watched her for a while before she even noticed me. She was busy saying goodbye to people and she seemed really reluctant to part from colleagues she obviously cared about.

For a moment, I was really scared that I'd have to deal with all her mates but fortunately, they parted ways and she headed off towards the taxi rank. I was standing between her and it, clutching the roses and feeling like I was going to die. I knew then that I was struggling with my breathing but I ignored it. There was no way I was going to go to all that trouble to find her and miss out on the opportunity.

She stopped stock still when she saw me. Our eyes locked across the dwindling crowd. I gazed at her and she looked at me like I was an alien from another planet. For a moment, I thought she was just going to run in the opposite direction. Instead, she hurried up to me. When she said my name, I thought I was going to faint, which is ironic, considering what actually did happen.

"Hi," I managed weakly.

"What… um… what are you...? What are you doing here?" she asked.

The rest of the encounter is a bit of a blur, to be honest. My throat went dry and I was privately struggling to regulate my breathing. I believe I thrust the roses into her arms.

"These are for you," I said.

She took them but still looked kind of stunned. I gather I said something really lame like 'Happy Valentine's Day'.

She laughed and I fell in love with all over again. I can't even begin to describe how much I've missed her. I get all teary when I think about it. I've missed everything about her and I felt so overwhelmed at standing so close to her again.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Charlie," she said softly.

I shivered and tried to smile. I could hear my own heart beating and the world was starting to spin a little. I should have gone back to the car and grabbed my inhaler but I was rooted to the spot. All I could do was look at her.

She's even more beautiful than she used to be, which really is saying something. The time away from Summer Bay has done her the world of good. She's tanned and toned and perfect. She's amazing. I'm even crazier about her than I used to be. I don't even know how that's possible. What I do know is that I'm determined to show her exactly how I feel.

"Charlie, I'm happy to see you again," she told me. "But… I don't really understand…"

She trailed off at the point that I gather I turned rather pale.

"I needed to tell you I love…"

I didn't even get to the end of the sentence before everything went black.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie finally gets to talk to Joey…<em>


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter Thirteen**

I woke up with a fright in the hospital, hooked up to all the machines. On the left side of the bed, Ruby was sitting quietly, holding my hand. Everything felt like it was surrounded in some sort of thick fog and for several moments, I couldn't remember what had happened or how I had got there. I mumbled something about a bad dream.

"What bad dream did you have, Charlie?" Ruby asked softly.

"I dreamt I got my chance to speak to Joey and I passed out," I replied.

I saw a smile twitch in the corners of her mouth and she told me to look to my right. I turned my head slowly. Every part of my body was aching. And there she was. Sitting by my side, looking even more captivating that she had outside the boat, was Joey. She was perched forward in her seat and she looked very concerned.

"I think I'm going to give you some alone time," Ruby decided. "Don't die or anything."

I laughed, even though it hurt my chest.

Ruby left us to it and I gazed up at Joey. My memories slowly started to come back to me and I realised that I really had passed out in front of her.

"This isn't exactly how I expected things to go," I admitted.

My voice was croaky and my breathing was shallow but under control.

"Yeah, I hear you had a speech prepared and everything," Joey replied.

I flushed with embarrassment and dreaded to think what Ruby might have revealed while I was in my state of unconsciousness.

"I'm so happy to see you again," I told her sincerely.

She kept smiling at me and it made me feel all warm and mushy inside. She was the first person to ever make me feel that way and she still has the same effect on me. I hope she always will.

"I've never made a girl swoon so literally before," she giggled, catching hold of my hand.

I blushed some more, my heart racing at having physical contact with her.

"Did Ruby tell you what happened?" I asked.

Joey nodded.

"She said that you got shot," she said. "And that it was nearly fatal. And that's when you decided you wanted to see me again."

I nodded, still feeling shy.

"I've missed you," I said, although that was probably a case of stating the obvious.

"I've missed you too, Charlie," she replied.

My monitor beeped to say that there wasn't enough oxygen in my blood. It was only then that I realised that I had been holding my breath. She panicked and asked if she should get a Doctor but I assured her I was fine. I'm so used these damn machines that when they beep at me, I don't even care anymore.

"I just have to breathe better," I told her.

"Isn't breathing meant to be the easiest thing in the world?" she wondered.

I chuckled and then wheezed.

"Not for me, apparently," I said. "I took the whole oxygen thing for granted before."

She smiled but I could see worry on her face.

"What's going on here, Charlie?" she asked.

I sighed. And then I wheezed again. Really, this whole breathing debacle is just getting silly now. I'm really losing patience with myself.

"Well, I stopped breathing and passed out and…"

She interrupted me with a mere look. She didn't even have to say anything.

"I was desperate to see you again," I admitted. "Please don't be mad at me for trying to track you down."

"I'm not mad," she assured me. "I'm touched by all the effort you've gone to, especially after so long. And I'm touched that it was me that you were thinking of when you nearly…"

She trailed off unhappily. I was encouraged that the thought of me dying was painful to her.

"There's so much I want to say to you," I said. "But I don't exactly know where to start."

Joey smiled again. She lifted my hand to her lips and kissed it. My whole body tingled.

"Why don't we start with your speech?" she suggested.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie reveals that Ruby is her daughter and tries to explain why she cheated on Joey…<em>


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter Fourteen**

I lay there in my hospital bed with her holding my hand and hanging onto my every word. It was a wonderful feeling. I'd imagined telling her how I felt so many times and in so many different ways. I hadn't counted on being hospital. And I certainly hadn't counted on her being so receptive. After the way I treated her, I don't think I deserve to be listened to. But I should have remembered who she really was. She is such a gentle soul with such an open heart. Of course she was going to listen to me. And that's not about me being worth it, it's about her being kind and generous. It's about her and all the qualities that make me love her so much.

And this is what I told her…

"I've been a damaged person for most of my life. I like to strut around and pretend that nothing bothers me but it does. I've hurt so badly for so long and I've hated myself with a passion. When we met, I was helping you recover from what happened with Robbo and I made out like I was a whole person who could keep everything together. But the thing is, I had never recovered from what happened to me as a teenager."

I looked at her rather fearfully here and she gazed into my eyes. I could see fear there and I think she realised pretty quickly what I was going to say. I ploughed on.

"When I was a teenager, I was raped by my boyfriend of the same age. He stole my virginity and got me pregnant. With Ruby."

Her eyes widened a little and she clutched my hand a little tighter but she didn't speak. I appreciated her giving me the time and the space to get everything off my chest in one go.

"I was so messed up and completely incapable of being her mother," I explained. "I ran away from home and stayed with my Auntie Michelle for a year. By the time I came back, Ruby was one year old and she'd only ever known my parents. She thought they were _her _parents. They convinced me that it made sense for them to officially adopt her and so she was raised as my sister."

I watched Joey nod. She still didn't speak and she still held onto my hand. I don't think I've ever appreciated physical contact so much. My machine kept beeping because I was so anxious but we both ignored it.

"I never healed from that time in my life and I flung myself from one relationship to another. Every one of them was a disaster and I never succeeded in falling in love with anyone, even though I wanted to. That is, until I met you…"

I smiled sadly at her and she mirrored my expression. I lost myself in her eyes for a moment before I continued on.

"You turned my whole world around when I met you, Joey," I explained. "I'd never experienced such strong feelings for anybody before and I was completely freaked out that I had them for a girl. I felt like I'd been living my life wrong or something all this time and it spun me out. I don't need to tell you how I reacted because you already know. You were there. And I still feel terrible about every wrong thing I said and did during the time, not even counting why we broke up."

I sighed heavily and felt tears sting my eyes. My breathing got worse so she had to interrupt me. She held on tighter to my hand and encouraged me to breathe properly. She even breathed _with _me so that I could follow her pattern and get back on an even keel.

"I wish so much that I could go back in time and be the girlfriend you deserved," I admitted. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I hated myself even more for losing you. But I was so scared of coming out as something other than heterosexual. Looking back on it, I don't even understand why I had such a problem with it. I wish I could go back and realise that what I should have been focussing on was how damn happy you made me, instead of fixating on the way I thought people would look at me."

I sighed and my breath caught. She squeezed my hand and waited patiently for me to continue. She was so gentle with me that I wanted to cry. I couldn't believe that she'd even bothered to talk to me down at the dock, let alone come to the hospital with me, holding my hand and making me feel so safe.

"I wish I'd never cheated on you. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it. Even I don't understand how I could have gone from being with someone as amazing as you, who'd given me the best night of my life to… to that…"

I couldn't help but shudder then and I had to look away from her. When I looked back, she didn't look angry or disgusted by the memory of how I had betrayed her. She just looked like she wanted to know why it had happened. So I told her.

I said: "My head was in such a mess. I'd had the most amazing high of finally being honest and admitting that I was in love with you. And I might not have shown it properly but I was so happy to have told you the truth. I really thought that night, that we had overcome the last hurdle and we could be together. But then word got out and there was the graffiti on the car and people laughing at me in the street. And then there was the complaint that Brett made…"

Joey nodded, retraining contact with me. I felt like I never wanted to let her go. I don't.

"The only thing that could have saved me that night was you," I explained. "But I wasn't allowed to see you and his accusations were charging around in my head. I was so scared because I started to think that I had abused you in some way."

Joey still didn't speak but she shook her head and I could see tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. She pretty much matched my own expression.

"Everything just got on top of me," I said. "I thought I'd hurt you and that I'd overstepped the boundaries. I thought we'd be separated permanently and that I was going to lose everything. I thought I was losing you and my job and my reputation. Then… well, then Hugo showed up. I'd drunk too much and I was so depressed. He called me gay and I guess I just lost the plot. I tried to block everything out and pretend that none of the bad stuff had happened. I hated every minute of it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Then when I was validated and allowed to be with you… I again tried to pretend that nothing bad had happened. All I wanted was to be with you and make you happy. I knew more strongly than ever how I felt about you but I guess it was already too late then."

I looked down. Holding onto Joey with one hand, I wiped my eyes with the other. When I looked back at her, I caught her doing the same thing. We both laughed softly and held each other a little tighter.

"I should have told you the truth from the start," I ventured. "I never should have lied because that only made things worse. You probably still would have left me but maybe I would have had the chance to explain and apologise properly if I'd just been upfront about it from the start. Maybe we could have still stood a chance. But I lied and I hurt you and you found out in such a horrible way. I am so, so sorry for that, Joey."

She reached out and brushed my hair away from my eyes. I felt her cup my cheek and lost myself in her eyes. It took a few moments for me to able to continue speaking.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie concludes her speech…<em>


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter Fifteen**

"Since you left, my life has just gone from one disaster to another," I said. "I tried to lose myself in my work and then when I got exceptionally lonely, I ended up sleeping with my ex, Angelo."

She nodded as if she was already aware of the situation. I guess that's something to talk about later if I'm able to.

"I dated him on and off for a year and a half," I admitted. "I honestly don't know how we made it last that long. We were a nightmare. We broke up the first time because he found out about you and I hadn't told him until I had to. Then we broke up because he was on a secret mission for work and I realised that he had been constantly lying to me all that time. Then we broke up because I didn't want to move in with him and he started stalking me…"

Joey looked genuinely appalled. I half laughed and half sighed, shaking my head. What was I thinking being with him after all of that?

"We got back together and things went okay, I guess, until he nearly cheated on me," I said. "It was far from the happiest relationship in the world and I don't really know what either of us got out of it. But we broke up over Christmas 2010 and aside from a one night stand when I was grieving for my father, we never went near each other romantically again."

She waited patiently for me to continue and I was honoured to be given so much time and space and understanding. Really, it's the last thing I deserve. I hurt her so much and at a time when she was already very vulnerable. She should have just walked out on me at the boat, really. But I am so glad she didn't.

"This last year has been insane," I explained. "I'd lost my Dad and broken up with Angelo and Ruby got into a lot of trouble."

At her concerned look, I quickly informed her that Ruby had slept with Romeo behind his girlfriend, Indi's back and then got caught in the back of a car with Casey Braxton, which is guess is where this whole thing with the River Boys began.

"I didn't want her to be with Casey, even though I know now that he's a nice kid. I mean, he's not faultless and he actually only got released from juvenile detention in November. But he adores her and they were a pretty great match. He brought a lot of love to her life and she helped him make better choices and break away from the criminality of the people he hung around with," I said.

I looked at her and my anxiety must have been evident because she squeezed my hand gently and waited for me to continue.

"That's where everything spun out of control," I admitted. "I found myself very attracted to Brax, Casey's brother and the leader of the River Boys. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't seem to help myself. We kept our affair a secret but were eventually exposed but more and more, the lines seemed to blur between work and home."

I sighed heavily. My machine beeped. I waited and then continued.

"I do think that Brax is a good guy deep down. I must have done anyway because I was willing to give up everything for him. He kept getting into trouble with the law, even though he was turning over a new leaf. A lot of the time, I genuinely don't think the incidents were his fault. Namely, when he was set up for a robbery."

This was one of the many things I was dreading telling her about. Joey has always believed in me, even when I gave her cause not to. She always had faith in my work as a cop and I felt sick having to tell her how badly I'd behaved. Quietly, I revealed the details of the day I arranged for evidence to be stolen and then all the fallout from the accident with Liam, Bianca and Heath. She looked startled and concerned but not too judgemental, which was a relief and probably undeserved.

"I couldn't live with what I'd done," I told her. "So I quit the police force. Brax and I broke up for maybe the hundredth time, although I don't think we split quite as many times as Angelo and I did."

I laughed softly but it got caught in my throat and my chest hurt. I waited for the pain to stop and then I carried on.

"Ruby was intending to go to University in the city this year," I said. "I decided to up sticks and go with her so that we could start afresh. But Brax and I got back together when he agreed to quit his gang. Before I knew what was happening, he and Casey were coming to the city with us and we were all going to be this happy family."

I caught a look on Joey's face that I couldn't quite read. She looked wistful. Maybe even a little sad. But I guess I'll find out later how she's feeling. The fact that she stuck around to listen to me is encouraging.

"Then I got shot," I said. "And everything changed. I ended up in this life… where breathing is difficult and I have to carry an inhaler with me at all times. And I'm still getting used to that, which is why I forget so much and always end up in hospital. But, well, I don't know exactly what Ruby told you but you were the last thing I thought of before I passed out. I made a promise that if I survived, then I would find you and try to win you back. I don't have that much hope of being successful because I don't deserve a second chance with you. But I just… I had to try."

She smiled and lifted my hand to her lips. I felt a thrill go through me.

"That's… that's the end of the speech," I added a little shyly.

She chuckled and suddenly, I felt completely at ease. I had been carrying such burdens around with me for so long but now I've laid all my cards on the table, regardless of what happens, I feel free from the past. She opened her mouth to speak and I so longed to hear her voice. But the Doctor came in and said I had to have some more tests done and sent her away. I just hope that she'll come back.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey makes a decision over her future with Charlie…<em>


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter Sixteen**

I feel like the happiest person in the whole wide world right about now. It's early days and we're taking it all very slowly and carefully but Joey has given me a second chance. I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. I took the risk of finding her, opening up to her and putting my heart on the line. I was so sure that I was going to go home utterly defeated but she really cares about me. She really wants us to try again.

It has been the strangest day, really. I saw Joey again, passed out, ended up in hospital, poured my heart out to her after all and then had to wait for her response while the Doctor checked me over. I'm still in hospital and I have to stay the night until my oxygen levels are stable again. And I've been given several lectures about looking after myself properly. Maybe now that I feel so happy and so peaceful, I will really start paying attention to my health and do better with keeping my breathing in check.

After the Doctor finished with me, Joey came back into the room. She sat by my bedside and caught hold of my hand. I gazed fearfully into her eyes as I tried to prepare myself for whatever she had to say.

"I'm really touched by everything you've said today," she began. "I'm also pretty overwhelmed. It… it seems like so much has changed. When I was last with you, Ruby was your sister and being a cop meant everything to you. Now, suddenly she's your daughter and you fell so deeply for a guy that him being a criminal didn't matter to you. You were willing to give everything up for him, when I couldn't even get you to hold my hand in public."

I nodded and apologised quietly, convinced that she wouldn't even consider taking me back.

"Charlie… what do you expect from me?" she asked.

I looked up at her, never breaking eye contact.

"Anything you're willing to give," I replied without hesitation. "I mean, ideally you'd give me another chance and we'd go skipping off into the sunset…"

"Let's not skip," Joey smirked. "I don't want you fainting on me again!"

I giggled and then wheezed.

"How about we walk sedately into the sunset with my inhaler close at hand?" I suggested.

She grinned back at me and nodded before my tone became more serious.

"But honestly, I'm not really expecting that," I said. "I've been dreaming of it but I'm not expecting it. I just knew I needed you in my life again, even as just a friend or an acquaintance or something. I just… miss you."

She smiled softly at me and I tingled over the way she was stroking the back of my hand.

"I've missed you a lot," Joey admitted. "I was devastated when I realised I couldn't come back to be with you."

"Why didn't you come back?" I asked anxiously.

"Brett told me that you were dating someone else," she said. "Something about a car accident and you being on a date with him and…"

She trailed off and I apologised.

"I was lonely," I said. "I was still waiting for you in my own way."

She nodded and continued to stroke my hand.

"I'm at a bit of a crossroads in my life right now," she told me. "I finished my job on the cruise ships today and I'm hoping to set up my own business."

"Where?" I asked.

"I'm not entirely sure yet," Joey said. "I'll be living off my savings from the ship while I set myself up."

I nodded, hanging off her every word.

"And I suddenly feel like my whole life has changed in the space of a few hours," she added. "My head is telling me to get away from you."

My heart sank and I closed my eyes for fear of crying.

"But my heart knows that I can't do that," she said.

I opened my eyes again, ignoring the tears that had already formed. She gazed at me and reached out to wipe my eyes.

"I've loved you for as long as I've known you," she said.

The machine beeped but neither of us cared.

"I…" she faltered. "Can I try something?"

I looked confused but nodded. She leant closer and pressed her lips against mine. I felt the surge of loving passion rise within me in a way that it hadn't since the last time I had kissed her. Her lips were every bit as soft and warm as I remembered. A thrill shot through me when her tongue touched my lips and I eagerly allowed our contact to deepen. She held one of my hands and my other found its way to her shoulder, pulling her a little closer. I wasn't ready for the kiss to end and could have stayed there for an eternity if the machine hadn't beeped to break us apart.

We were both blushing by the time Joey settled herself back into her chair, still holding onto my hand. She smiled shyly and my heart began to pound in the hope that she might really be giving me a second chance.

"There was a time when I didn't think I'd ever see you again," she said. "There was even a time when I didn't _want _to see you. But suddenly, right here, right now, I can't for the life of me remember why."

I looked uncertainly at her, studying her face as she smiled.

"I have no idea how this is going to turn out," she admitted. "But I don't want this to be the end. I want it to be the start of something special. I want us to be to each other everything we always wanted to be."

She leant forward and kissed me again. I felt like I was in Heaven.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Joey opens up to Charlie about what she has been doing during her time away…<em>


	17. Chapter 17

_Hi everyone. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I finished writing this story yesterday (I'm extremely unwell so fanfic has been my salvation!) and it will end at chapter 20. I hope you enjoy it. Love, IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Seventeen**

It has been five amazing days and I suddenly understand what it's like to 'be on cloud nine'. I was released from the hospital the next day and Joey came back to Summer Bay with Ruby and I. I've been off work because my breathing is still not right but I am aiming to be back in a few days. I wanted to go back sooner but they won't let me until Sid has given me the all clear. And he won't.

During my time off, I've just been enjoying myself. I've been doing much better with keeping my inhaler with me and using it properly. Joey has been keen on reminding me and I'm quite enjoying being looked after, which I never thought I would.

Everything has just been so lovely. Joey is staying with us, and in my room. We haven't got too intimate but we spend a lot of time holding hands, cuddling and kissing. It's amazing and I think we both appreciate taking things slowly. My feelings for her are even stronger than before and this time, I don't have the anxiety that plagued me and caused me to make stupid decisions.

I feel like we're really getting the chance to start again and get it right. We've already fallen into a happy domestic pattern and she's as bonded with Leah, VJ and Ruby as she always used to be. We haven't ventured out very far for various reasons – namely, I don't want to run into Brax just yet and she doesn't want to see Brett until she's ready.

She's making sure I eat properly and breathe properly and it's been so wonderful to reconnect with her. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world – not only did I get one chance with someone as amazing as her, but I got a second chance too. I don't deserve it but I am so grateful and I am utterly determined not to screw it up this time.

I've really enjoyed hearing about what her life has been like since she left Summer Bay. She worked on the trawlers for a while and then started work with the cruise ship company and says that she had some of the best experiences of her life on there. She's been saving up her wages to come to shore and start her own business, which she is seriously considering beginning in Summer Bay. I really hope she does. But if she chooses somewhere else then I will just have to deal with it and try to see her as often as possible. If we can get through everything we've already dealt with then a bit of distance shouldn't be a problem.

She was a little shy about telling me about relationships she's had since we were last together but I encouraged her to be open with me. I want to know who she is now, who she has become since I last knew her and relationships are a big part of that. Of course it isn't easy to hear of how she loved other people but I'm hardly one to talk, am I? If it wasn't for me and my own stupidity, we would have stayed together all these years.

"I met a girl called Katie while I was on the trawler," she told me. "Not the first time but after the three months, when I'd decided not to come back."

We both looked a little sad at the mention of our lack of reunion and instinctively reached for each other's hands.

"She was really good to me when I was feeling pretty low about everything," she said. "All I'd been living for up until that point was coming home and making things work with you so I didn't really know what to do with myself at that point."

I nodded and squeezed her hand, apologising softly. All this time, I had wondered why she had refused to return to me, little knowing that once again, it was all my own fault. If I hadn't given into my sense of loss and hooked up with Angelo then she would have come back to me. But maybe even then, I wouldn't have appreciated her the way I should have, the way I do now. Maybe everything played out the way it was meant to in order for us to be in the right place to be together again.

"She was a really good friend and we had a lot in common," she continued. "We both enjoyed the trawler work and we spent days together when we were ashore. She was gay too and had come out of a pretty intense relationship so we just kind of fell into a romance. It was nice and I'm still in touch with her, still friendly."

I nodded, gazing at her. Of course I felt a twinge at how close they obviously were but mostly, I was glad that she had had someone to help her heal her heart, the one I broke.

"It wasn't a mad, passionate romance or anything," Joey said. "But we were happy together. We were friends more than anything and we relied on each other. But after the job came to a close, we realised that we were heading in different directions. She wanted to go back home and settle down and I wanted to keep travelling, keep sailing. So we broke up, stayed friends and got on with our lives."

"You were happy with her though?" I asked.

Joey nodded.

"I still missed you," she told me. "And I knew Katie and I were friends more than anything because we could both sit and lament over our lost loves. She knew all about you and how I felt about you. And I knew how she felt about her ex. It was kind of a strange relationship in some ways, I guess, but it worked for us."

She paused speaking and played with my fingers, the way she always does when she is hesitant about speaking about something. I didn't badger her. I just waited patiently.

"The next relationship I had was a bit of a whirlwind," she told me. "Her name was Olivia and she was a dancer on the cruise ship. I fell pretty hard for her… not quite as hard as I fell for you but close."

She looked a little anxious. I smiled gently at her, showing that she hadn't said anything wrong.

"It was a bit crazy," she said. "We had this really intense, passionate romance but I never knew where I stood with her. She wanted an open relationship where she didn't have to commit to any of the girls or guys she was with. It worked for a while but I realised a few months ago that that's just not my thing."

She sighed and looked a little embarrassed.

"I guess I'm a traditionalist at heart," she said, as if it was something to be ashamed of.

"That's not a bad thing, Joey," I told her.

"I know," Joey replied, although she didn't sound convinced. "After I ended things between us, she got really upset and decided to try and commit to me. But it lasted about two weeks before she was back in her own habits. The cruise ended and I haven't seen her since. It was… well, it was pretty random, really."

"Has there been anyone else?" I asked.

"Not until I got off my last trip and found the love of my life waiting for me with flowers, ready to pass out," she remarked with a cheeky grin.

I laughed and kissed her.

"As long as you're happy that that happened," I said.

"Of course I'm happy," she replied. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't."

I shifted so that I could gaze into her eyes.

"I'm glad you're here," I said.

"I'm glad too," Joey replied. "I'm sorry about what it took to bring us back together and it breaks my heart to think of everything you've been through. But I'm so happy that you still love me and that you went to so much trouble to find me. I'm so glad that we've got this second chance."

I swear, she couldn't have said anything more wonderful than that. To know that we're on the same page with our feelings is so important. I don't think it's possible to be happier than I am right now.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie is mortified to end up in hospital again…<em>


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter Eighteen**

I am so embarrassed. Every time I think about it, I get all flushed and can't breathe. And then I get pissed off. Then Joey's nice to me, I get embarrassed again and then I cry. And then I can't breathe. Are you sensing a pattern here?

It all started nicely enough. Joey and I have been together now for two weeks and although we still haven't ventured too far outside of the house, things have been going well. We've been talking so much and been really open and honest with our feelings. I've been so honoured to get to know her again and I'm falling even more deeply in love with her every moment.

Last night, we ventured out to dinner at the Diner. I was a bit nervous about running into Brax, although fortunately, he doesn't go there much. I guess if you run a restaurant, you probably don't go to a rival venue all that often. We didn't run into him anyway, which was a relief. I know that in a small town like this, if Joey sticks around, then she and Brax will come face to face eventually. And really, if you're going to enter into a bad relationship with someone like Brax then you have to take the consequences. I just want the consequences to be limited to me, not to the people I love.

But anyway, the point of dinner was to go on a proper date. We've fallen into domesticity really quickly and that feels right, but we both agreed that it would be nice to treat each other and do things properly. I guess at heart, we're both kind of traditional, although I do a pretty good at hiding that sometime, judging by my behaviour over the last few years.

But I keep getting distracted. The point was to go on a proper date and last night was going to be the first time we'd made love since getting back together. I was nervous, of course, and I know she was too but we were both looking forward to committing our bodies the way we've already committed our hearts.

It didn't happen. We had a nice dinner and Leah waited on us and kept us away from prying eyes. Of course those eyes belonged to Colleen. We had a corner, candlelit table and it was wonderful. Then we took a stroll back in the moonlight to the house and went into the bedroom we've been sharing more or less platonically for the last fortnight.

The mood was perfect and I felt so ready to be with her again. We've been given this fresh start and we're both desperate to make it count. But with the way I feel right now, I wonder if she's going to change her mind about me. She's used to comfortable best friend sex or hot, wild passion with a beautiful woman who's into polygamy. And what has she got now? Me. And I am not up to scratch.

It was all going really well. We were kissing and tumbled back on the bed. She whispered that she loved me as she began taking my clothes off. I was so ready and willing and it felt like the moment I'd been waiting for all my life. But I wasn't able, I guess. And that's why I'm so humiliated now.

Basically, we were shedding clothes and kissing and touching and everything and it was lovely. I felt like my skin was on fire every time it came into contact with her and undressed, she looks even hotter than she used to. I was lying on the bed in just a thong, specifically selected for tonight. She kissed my lips, my breasts, my tummy and then down between my legs.

I felt this surge rush through me and I closed my eyes as her fingers and lips toyed with me. And then my breathing got laboured and my head started to swim. She stopped but it was already too late. The excitement of the evening had brought on an attack and I felt like I was going to die. She rushed to get my inhaler out of my handbag and sat with me until I recovered, which took an agonisingly long time.

Needless to say, we didn't have sex. We changed into our pyjamas and cuddled. It was still nice and everything but it wasn't what we planned. I'm absolutely mortified and I feel like such a disappointment. She's being really nice about it and keeps trying to reassure me but it's not really helping. I mean, _she's _helping but I'm so frustrated with the situation. I feel like I imagine a guy would if he suddenly found himself impotent. But at least there's a pill for that. What have I got? Is this the way it's going to be forever? I finally get the chance to be with the person I love and my past has damaged me so much that I still can't be with her. I feel like I'm being punished.

* * *

><p><em>Next time… Charlie and Joey seek medical advice…!<em>


	19. Chapter 19

_This is the second to last chapter of this story. I hope you enjoy it. Love IJKS xxx_

**Chapter Nineteen**

It has been an interesting few days. I was still feeling awkward and embarrassed and I know that Joey was struggling with that. She was scared that I was shutting her out like I did before and that my own upset would lead to something bad happening.

But two days ago, she sat me down and we talked things through properly. We were in the lounge after lunch and she took both my hands. I could tell by her eyes that she was serious and concerned.

"We really need to talk about what happened the other day," she began.

"You mean what _didn't _happen," I remarked.

"Charlie, you don't need to be upset about it," she told me.

I sighed, still embarrassed regardless.

"I finally get my act together and win back the woman I love and I can't even be with her," I said sadly.

"You _are _with me!" she insisted.

"But I can't… you know."

"Is that really the most important thing in the world?" she asked. "Because personally, while, yes, I do have the urge to ravish you, it's not essential."

Just the way she smiled at me made my heart lurch.

"I love all sorts of things about you, Charlie," she said. "I love holding you and kissing you. I love talking and watching movies and going for walks along the beach. I love cooking for you and losing myself in how beautiful you are, especially when you're laughing."

I blushed a little, touched by her words and hoping they were true.

"But what if I can _never_…?"

"Then we'll deal with it," she replied. "Don't you think we've both been through too much – apart and together – to let something like this get in the way?"

I nodded weakly. She smiled and kissed both of my hands in turn.

"But I think you're scared of trying again, aren't you?"

I nodded again. I was terrified even of our heavy kissing sessions. I'm mortified every time something happens to upset my breathing.

"So, if it's that important, why don't we go and see someone?"

"See someone?"

"A medical someone," Joey said. "Someone who might be able to advise us on how to be more… successful."

I wasn't sure but it is something I want to get over. I know she'll always be patient with me but even without taking my own desires into account, she must have needs. And I want to be able to fulfil them. I want to have a complete relationship with her and live the way that we should have done the first time.

So, that afternoon we booked an appointment with Sid. It was his afternoon off and although I did feel a bit awkward discussing such things with a man, he came round and we had a long chat. I was mortified of course, but Sid was really good and Joey made me feel much more relaxed than I would otherwise have been.

Sid thinks that I need to do some breathing exercises and guided meditation and things like that that will help me really think about the way I breathe. He also thinks that as things are that bad, I should have oxygen at home to take if I get into any more scrapes. Then perhaps I won't have to be rushed to hospital and we can deal with things on our own, which will be less embarrassing.

I am also going to be referred to a local support group for people who have conditions that interfere with their lives on a daily and serious basis. I'm not entirely sure about that one but I will give it a try once, at least. I'm not really a 'sit down and talk about all your feelings' kind of person but I can't pass up the opportunity to get any help that's available. I want Joey to be happy that we're back together. I don't want to be a burden.

As for the sex issue, Sid just said that we would have to take things slowly. He didn't think it was something we ought to run away from but that we'll be perfectly capable of learning together exactly what I'm capable of. So, that's what we're going to do.

Joey and I both agree that it could be kind of fun to try all sorts of things in all sorts of ways and at all sorts of speeds to see what works for us. When it comes to being with her, I am learning along the way anyway because she is the only woman I have been with. So throwing in some extra lessons on how to keep me alive while we're doing it, doesn't seem quite as insurmountable as it did before!

Yesterday was my last day before I had to go back to work. Joey and I went fishing and it was really great. She was most touched by all the effort I'd gone to about learning to enjoy fishing and researching the lesbian world with the books and the DVDs. We've watched several of them over the last few weeks and it's been really nice. I can't wait to surprise her and show her how good I am with boats now. My hope is to rent the Blaxland for a day to recreate what we had last time and make it better. I certainly won't be running away if I want to kiss her!

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><p><em>Next time… Joey goes into business with Romeo and goes on a special date with Charlie…<em>


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter Twenty**

Everything in the world feels so wonderful right now. It's more wonderful than I could ever have imagined it being.

I am back at work and although I mostly have desk duties, I feel like I am starting to thrive. Obviously I can't go out and catch the bad guys anymore but Inspector Joyce has given me more of a Detective type role in terms of, rather than just boring paperwork and stuff, I'm getting a chance to really analyse cases and direct the officers below me to their next port of call. That's pretty cool and it makes me feel special. He also said that my health shouldn't prevent me from taking my Detective exam if that's what I really want. It is.

I sacrificed so much of myself when I was with Brax and I can hardly believe now that I was prepared to walk away from my vocation. I love that Joey is so encouraging of my work. She has more faith in me than I have ever had in myself and somehow gives me the confidence to override my physical condition and go after my dreams anyway.

Things with Ruby are also pretty wonderful. She is continuing her night classes and she's got herself a job as a lifeguard on the beach, which she is really enjoying. I think she misses Casey a lot and I know he misses her. I've seen the way they look at each other and even if it means having to interact with Brax, if Casey is the one that Ruby loves then she should be with him.

As for Brax, well, he's been aggressive now and again but not too badly. He got off all the charges against him with a hefty fine, which I gather he is struggling to pay. I heard on the grapevine that he's doing some sort of cage fighting competition in order to raise funds. Leah is pretty worried about him and I have to admit that he looks terrible right now, all bloodied and bruised.

But then, just as I feel sorry for him, he's nasty towards me or Joey and my compassion disintegrates. I know he's in a bad place right now and I do wish I could make it better. Unfortunately, the only thing he wants in order to feel happier is me and that isn't something I can't give him.

Firstly, I would never betray Joey. She is my rock and I am never, ever going to give her a reason to doubt me. Secondly, even without her in the picture, I couldn't go back to the life I was living before I was shot. It was wrong and so full of bad choices. I've come too far now to take it all back. I don't want to.

Health wise, I feel like things are getting better. I'm much, much better at keeping my inhaler with me. Actually, Joey and I got a load of them so I have one in every room of the house, one in my car, one in the drawer at work, one for my pocket and one for my handbag – you know, just in case!

I've needed the oxygen I have at home a few times but not as many as I expected. And it's been nearly two weeks since I got admitted to hospital so I think I am finally starting to make progress. Hooray!

And then there is Joey. She is the absolute highlight of my day. She has now formally moved into the house again and is paying half the rent on what is now our bedroom and contributing her full share to the bills and stuff. Home is the happiest it has been in a long time, really.

She has also set up her business here and so far, it's going really well. Last year, Romeo tried to set up a chartering business on the Blaxland with Alf as a silent partner but it didn't work out. There was all that mess with Harvey and it went terribly wrong. Now Joey and Romeo have partnered up, with Alf in the background and they're doing things professionally and properly this time. Joey has a lot of savings behind her, which she has been able to invest in the business so they have everything they need, including proper advertising. Suddenly, customers who weren't interested in Romeo in the slightest before, are flocking to make bookings for boat trips.

The idea is that she'll kick start this with Romeo here and then in January next year, she, Ruby and I will all relocate to the city. I can move stations, Ruby can start University and Joey can expand the boat business. I am so happy with how everything has turned out. And I feel so lucky that I have two people like Joey and Ruby who are willing to include me in their lives and actually work things around me so that we can all stay together. I love that we've become such a close and strong unit so quickly.

Yesterday, I booked the Blaxland myself through Romeo. Then, when Joey thought she was just going to work, I surprised her. Romeo had provided us with everything we needed and I persuaded Joey to spend the whole day out on the water with me – not that she took all that much convincing!

"Do you want to try steering?" she asked again, in much the same way as she had the last time we were out there.

"Yes, actually," I said.

She was surprised and stepped back so I could take the wheel. She was very impressed with how much I had learnt, especially when I helped her anchor the boat when we decided to stop for the lunch Romeo had prepared for us.

"When did you learn boats?" she wondered.

"After I got out of hospital," I explained. "I knew I had to wait until Valentine's Day to see you again because you were on your cruise so I decided to make myself better for you. That's why I watched all the DVDs, read all the books, learnt how to fish… And I got Romeo to give me sailing lessons as well."

She smiled thoughtfully at me.

"You do know you didn't have to do all of that though, don't you?" she asked.

I hesitated. I wasn't really sure what I thought.

"I feel so honoured that you went to so much trouble to bring me back to you," she told me. "But if you hadn't done anything more than dump Brax and tell me you loved me, I would have come back with you anyway. I would have still loved you the same."

I smiled at her level of commitment. Sometimes I can't help but marvel that someone as amazing as her could even think of being with someone like me, even if I am turning into a better person. And without sounding arrogant, I know I am better. I've made the changes I so desperately needed to. I've stopped this endless cycle of mistakes. I am finally exactly where I want to be – a cop, a good friend, a mother to Ruby and a girlfriend to Joey. I'm not sure how I even considered aiming for less than that.

"Thank you," I said softly.

She put her croissant down and moved to sit beside me on the bench. She took my hand and kissed it, a gesture that always elicits a thrill through me. It's so simple and yet so tender.

"Thank you for coming back for me," she said sincerely.

"Thank you for letting me," I replied.

We kissed in the sunshine and I've been in a haze of love since then. Romeo had set up blankets and cushions at the back of the boat, as I'd requested. It's what Joey had done the last time. We forgot our food and headed over to snuggle. One thing led to another and we made love for the first time since our reunion. It was wonderful. We had to stop a couple of times so I could catch my breath but we got there. We laughed and we cried and put every emotion into it that we felt. I've never experienced anything like it, not even with Joey the first time. The whole day felt like this perfect moment of pure bliss. I'm happier than I even thought it was possible to be.

So while I wouldn't put 'getting shot' on my list of priorities in life, I am glad that it happened. It was the wakeup call I needed to get me to turn my life around. When once I thought I didn't deserve anything good in my life, now I believe I do. I believe that I give out enough goodness to claim some back. I'm happy, settled and secure. This is the life I've always wanted. And it's the life I never want to let go of. In the space of a few months, all my dreams have come true.

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><p><em>Well, this is the happy ending Charlie should have had. I hope you have enjoyed it. Thank you to everyone who had read and reviewed. I'm at the beginning of two new stories so when I have a few chapters under my belt, I will start posting them. Love, IJKS xxx<em>


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